If I Were Beautiful (If I Were... #1) Read online

  Chelsea smiled at me and mouthed the words, “I like this guy.”

  Me too.

  I was listening intently while Chelsea started naming off my likes and dislikes.

  “Hold on,” Mike said to her and turned to glare at me, “Don’t listen, Jane. I want everything your sister tells me to be a surprise.”

  “Yeah, Jane,” she said. “This is a private conversation.” She waved her hand at me. “Go kick your date in the balls or something.”

  I laughed to myself and gave them their space. Two minutes later, the hostess rang the bell and the men got up to switch.

  Chelsea nudged me and whispered, “Mike is great. I really like him for you.”

  “I know, right?”

  “But you’ve got a ton more dates before the night is over. Who knows what the evening will bring?”

  “Right.”

  “And you should take your glasses off. You look better without them.” She reached up and slid them off my face before I could stop her.

  “Wait! I can’t see!” It was true. Her face was now a hazy blur.

  “See with your heart not your eyes.”

  “Are you kidding? Eyes are the windows to the soul! Give me back my windows!” I grabbed for them.

  She slid them in her purse. “You can have your windows back after speed dating. Now pay attention. Your next date is waiting and he looks like a keeper.”

  Chapter 2

  I turned to face a tall hazy broad-shouldered blur.

  “Hey. I’m Zack.” He sat down in front of me.

  “Jane.” I squinted, trying to see what he looked like. An abstract Picasso painting, that’s what. For all I knew, he was missing all his front teeth, had two noses, three eyeballs, and four ears. Stupid Chelsea. I couldn’t see a thing. “Sorry, this crazy woman next to me just stole my glasses and I can’t really see you.”

  “You want me to steal them back?” Zack offered.

  “Would you?” I chuckled.

  Chelsea leaned against me and said to Zack, “I’m her sister. I’ll give them back later.” She went back to Tyler, who I realized she was now ignoring by busily thumbing through her iPhone, giving him a taste of his own medicine.

  I smiled at that.

  Zack said to me, “She’s your sister?” Same thing every time.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I sighed. “She was adopted.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “No. I was adopted.”

  “Really?”

  I rolled my eyes, realizing I was getting bitchy. Blame rude Tyler. Also blame my gorgeous sister. “No,” I sighed, “neither of us are adopted. Can we talk about something else? Tell me about you.”

  “I’m really boring,” he chuckled. Was he trying to find an excuse to stop talking or was I assuming the worst? It was hard to say because I had no idea what Zack looked like. If he was cute, I’d say he wasn’t interested. If he looked like a donkey, maybe he was. The only thing I had to go on was his voice. It had a nice crisp manly rasp that I liked.

  “You don’t sound boring, Zack. Your voice has a sparkle to it.”

  “Sparkle? Must be all the firecrackers I ate for lunch. I’ve been burping sparklers all day.”

  I giggled. “See? You’re not boring.”

  “Trust me, I win awards for boring.” There was that cute raspy voice again.

  “I will put cash money on the table that my job is more boring than yours.” I pulled my purse out and laid a twenty dollar bill on the wood, or what I thought was a twenty because it was so blurry I wasn’t really sure.

  “Twenty bucks? Damn, you don’t mess around. I like that in a woman.”

  “What, women who don’t make messes? That sounds somehow sexist, Zack,” I joked.

  “Not at all. Who likes a mess? Besides Oscar the Grouch, I mean?”

  “Pigpen from the Peanuts.”

  “Ahhh, Pigpen. You gotta love that guy. No shame whatsoever.”

  “Exactly.” I was partial to men who weren’t afraid to show their childish side. “Are you a Peanuts fan, Zack?”

  “More of a Snoopy fan. Charlie Brown is a bit of a dweeb and that Lucy Van Pelt is a total bitch.”

  “Agreed. Are you a bit of a dweeb, Zack?”

  “Do you want me to be?” His voice had a soothing warmth.

  “I don’t know. Maybe?” I shrugged, suddenly blushing. I had no idea what Zack looked like, but I knew I already liked him. I hoped he wasn’t too cute or we would never work.

  “Anyway, back to this job thing. I promise you, Jane, my job is ten times more boring than yours.” Zack pulled out his wallet and laid a bill on top of mine.

  “Is that a twenty?”

  “It is.”

  “How do I know for sure? I can’t tell without my glasses.”

  “Guess you’re gonna have to gamble I’m telling the truth.”

  “Okay, tell me the truth. Are you as cute as your voice?”

  He laughed. “Ummmm, I don’t know. You tell me.”

  “As blurs go, yours is plenty cute.” I liked him even more for his humility. “But the question is, did you put a twenty down or are you hustling me?”

  “Both.”

  “I like the sound of that. Can I be honest, Zack?”

  “Go for it.”

  “I’ve never been hustled before.”

  “Then I’ll be your first hustler,” he chuckled, now sounding nervous but still eager.

  “I’m not sure what that means.”

  “Me neither. But I’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done.” His innuendo was subtle, but it was there.

  “Okay then!” I cleared my throat, my face burning. “I’ll see your twenty and raise you another twenty.” I put another bill on the pile.

  He narrowed his eyes, “Now who’s hustling who, Jane?”

  “Isn’t that a twenty?” I picked up my bill and looked at it closely, but couldn’t tell for sure, so I set it back down.

  “It is, but I still think you’re trying to hustle me.”

  “Maybe I am,” I flashed him a flirty smile.

  “I think I better call before the pot gets too hot for either of us to handle.” He put another bill on the pile.

  “You sure?” The tension between us was definitely charged and increasingly sexual.

  “I am. Your job can’t possibly be as boring as mine. Little do you know, I’ve got an ace in the hole.”

  “Which hole?”

  Zack chuckled, genuinely amused. “Are you flirting, Jane?”

  “Are you just noticing now?”

  “I can be slow on the uptake.”

  “Somehow I doubt that.” But I was loving this.

  I may have hated dating when things didn’t go well, but I loved it when they did. Like now. “So, Zack.” I gestured at our stack of twenties on the table. “Are we really calling this or do you want me to up the stakes?”

  “I am a gambling man,” he mused.

  “And I’m a gambling woman. Here’s another twenty.” I didn’t want to throw away sixty dollars, but I was confident I’d win the bet of who had the worst job.

  “Damn, woman. You don’t mess around. I’ll see your twenty and call.” He folded his arms across his chest. “What do you do for a living, Jane?”

  I laid my hand over the pile of money. “I’m a night manager at a 95 Cent Store.” It was the truth. I dragged the pile of money toward me.

  Zack laid his big hand on mine. “Not so fast, little lady.” His hand was very warm. He could leave it right where it was all night.

  Goosebumps jumped up my arm.

  “I have to tell you, Jane, being the night manager at a 99 Cent Store isn’t what I’d—”

  I cut him off, “95 Cent Store. You’re thinking of our competitor. Higher prices. Much nicer stores. Much better merchandise. And much less boring.”

  He squeezed my hand affectionately.

  Liquid lightning crackled through my chest and pooled between my legs. I squeezed my knees together, sav
oring it. I squinted at Zack, trying to see him better, but he was still just a blur. In my imagination, he looked like a tan version of Michael Fassbender with darker hair and eyebrows. I knew that was unlikely. The real Zack probably did have two noses and four ears, but if that turned out to be true, I’d just take my glasses off whenever he was around.

  He said, “I hate to break it to you, sunshine, but this pot is mine.”

  “Unless someone pays you to watch paint dry, I don’t know what you could possibly do that’s more boring than what I do.”

  “I’m a night janitor at an office building downtown.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup. Been doing it six years. Do you have any idea how boring it is? It’s the same thing over and over every single night.” Okay, so he wasn’t a famous actor like Michael Fassbender. But he probably had the right number of eyes and ears. Good enough for me.

  “That does sound pretty boring,” I laughed, only slightly giddy.

  “Yeah. But you aren’t.”

  I was excited to discover he worked the night shift like I did, which meant our schedules were already in sync. I’d learned over the years that working the night shift was rarely conducive to dating.

  He still held my hand and I was shaking. He had to be feeling it. And he wasn’t pulling away.

  Wow, I really liked Zack.

  CLING-A-LING-A-DING-DING!

  “Gentlemen! Please move one seat to your right!”

  “Nice meeting you, Zack,” I muttered.

  His hand was still on mine. “Nice doing business with you, Jane.”

  “I didn’t get to tell you how boring my job is!”

  “You can tell me over dinner.” He lifted my hand with his and used his other to grab the money. “I’m buying.”

  I wanted to beg, When? Now? Can we ditch speed dating and go eat now? I’ve got reservations for two in the next room!

  Before I could say anything, the next dater was hovering over Zack, so Zack stood and shifted to Chelsea’s table.

  I didn’t bother to scribble any notes on my scorecard about Zack because I couldn’t see. And because I would never forget how charming he was. Mike had been fun, but Zack projected a masculine magnetism that swept me away.

  While Zack and the other guy were changing seats, Chelsea leaned into me and muttered, “That went well.”

  I cupped my hand around her ear and whispered, “Chelz, please don’t be interesting with Zack. Or interested. I really like him.”

  She muttered in my ear, “I’ll be neither. I came here for you, Jay. I’m not calling any of these guys back.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. Now pay attention to this next guy. He’s cute.”

  Chapter 3

  “Tonight was a disaster, Chelz! I can’t believe you made me do this!” I pulled her by the arm and dragged her from the bar moments after the final bell rang after the final date.

  Despite my early successes with Mike and Zack, the rest of the male daters were all duds. I didn’t feel any connection with the twenty-odd remaining men. The high I’d felt after talking to Mike and then Zack was long gone. They were gone too. I’m sure they’d forgotten all about me after chatting with all the other women.

  Was there anything memorable about a five-foot-nothing nerd girl with thick glasses and bad hair?

  I had my glasses back on, so I led the way, dragging Chelsea through the crowded front lobby of ReaXion toward the exit.

  Chelsea pulled me to a stop. “What about dinner, Jay? We still have our reservation.”

  “I just want to get out of here.”

  “I thought you were hungry?”

  “I was two hours ago. Not anymore. Let’s go.”

  “Fine,” she sighed and we stumbled out the front doors onto Melrose. The sidewalk was crowded with people going in and out of the various bars, restaurants, and stores along the street.

  “Jane! Hold up!” A man’s voice called.

  I turned and saw someone squeezing past the people waiting outside ReaXion. I whispered to Chelsea, “Who’s that?”

  “That’s Zack.”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “Nope.”

  Zack was cute. Zack was better than cute. He wasn’t Michael Fassbender, but he was nothing to sneeze at. Tall, dark hair, friendly eyes, and a cute smile. A bit quirky with his too big chin, but I could work with quirks.

  “Hey, Zack,” I said, blushing as he approached.

  “Hey, Jane. Hey, Chelsea,” he nodded at her politely before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bunch of twenties. He snapped them between his hands. “I owe you dinner.” His eyes were on me. But something told me he was really here for Chelsea. If his gaze moved even a fraction of an inch toward her, I would say no. But it didn’t. His eyebrows lifted hopefully and his eyes twinkled right at me.

  Me.

  “I hear there’s a table waiting for us inside,” he tipped his head toward Chelsea.

  I said, “Did she put you up to this?”

  “Dinner was my idea,” he said. “She just told me about your reservations.”

  I glared at her, trying to hide a smile, “You’re such a schemer, Chelz.”

  She frowned, “How is match-making scheming?”

  “Please. That’s all match-making is.”

  She shrugged.

  “I believe our table is waiting,” Zack said, motioning toward the doors.

  “What about Chelz? We only have reservations for two. We can’t ditch her.”

  “We’ll make it work,” he said with absolute confidence. “Let’s go.” He offered his elbow and I wrapped my hands around it without a second thought.

  Despite having three people, the hostess found a spot for us in a corner at a table for two and brought an extra chair and extra silverware for Zack. Chelz and I sat across from each other with Zack on the end. Although it was past ten o’clock at night, we were surrounded by the lively buzz of a packed restaurant: people eating, silverware clinking, animated conversation.

  “You guys have fun tonight?” Zack asked, absently adjusting his fork and knife on the table.

  I smirked, “If you’re like me and you love being treated like a public toilet, then yes, tonight was the highlight of my week.”

  He chuckled, “Speed dating is like being a toilet?”

  “Yep. Nobody wants to spend more than a few minutes dumping their shit on you before moving on and never looking back.” Maybe I was a little bit disgruntled after twenty-plus consecutive bad speed dates.

  Chelsea grimaced. “Gross.”

  “I came back for more, Jane,” Zack said with a smile.

  “Yeah, but that’s because you’re a janitor. It’s your job,” I laughed.

  He nudged my knee under the table and winked at me, “It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it.”

  Chelsea shook her head, “There is no way that’s not disgusting, you two. Can we change the subject?”

  “Sure,” Zack smiled at her. “How about you, Chelsea? Did you have fun tonight?”

  “I just came for Jane,” she shrugged, busy reading her menu. “We wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t suggested it.”

  “Suggested?” I snorted, pulling her menu down so I could see her eyes. “How about lied and tricked?”

  Chelsea rolled her eyes. “You need to get out more. Now you’re having dinner with a cute guy. You’re welcome.”

  Zack laughed, “You two really are sisters, aren’t you?”

  “I sometimes wonder,” I sneered.

  “No, we’re really sisters,” Chelsea said, still reading her menu.

  “I can see the family resemblance,” Zack said.

  I chuckled, “The only family resemblance between a naked mole rat, me, and a lithe gazelle, her, is the fact we’re both mammals that have four legs and a tail.”

  Chelsea rolled her eyes. “You don’t look like a mole rat, Jay.”

  “I have to agree,” Zack said.

  “You
two both need your eyes checked. I’m the blind one with the beady eyes.” I pulled my lips back over my teeth and made squeaking high-pitched rat noises.

  Chelz swatted my arm and laughed, “Stop, Jay. People are gonna think this place has rats.”

  I knew it wasn’t exactly sexy to act like a mole rat around a cute guy I’d just met, but my fear that Zack was here for Chelsea would not go away. This wouldn’t be the first time some guy had flirted with me to get to her. Making dumb jokes distracted me from my self-doubt. The alternative was to sit and stew, growing increasingly worried until I sabotaged the entire dinner by interrogating Zack until he admitted he thought Chelsea was better looking than me and he was only here for her. I’d done it before. Not since high school, but I’d done it.

  I scowled to myself, trying to bury the memory.

  Despite my worries, I managed to pull myself together and dinner went smoothly. When our check came, Zack insisted on paying. He also insisted on walking us to my Hyundai where it was parked in the residential neighborhood north of Melrose.

  “Am I gonna get your contact info tomorrow?” he asked me as we approached my car.

  If he was here for Chelsea, he was doing a great job of faking it. “We can exchange info now if you want.”

  “Sounds great.”

  We pulled out phones and shared numbers. Chelsea hung back, letting this moment be mine. After, Zack got Chelsea’s door, then mine. When I was behind the wheel, he leaned against my doorframe.

  “Thanks for letting me buy you dinner, Jane.”

  “Thanks for offering, Zack.” I meant it.

  “We gonna go out again soon?”

  “Just give me the word.”

  “Word.” He brushed his knuckle under my chin.

  “Uhhhhh…” My skin sizzled where he touched it and my eyelids threatened to flutter.

  He smiled, “I’ll call you soon. Drive safe.” He closed the door and waved as we drove off.

  As soon as we turned a corner, Chelsea said, “Zack is so cute. You’re perfect for each other.”

  “He was probably into you, Chelz.”

  “Don’t be so down on yourself, Jay. He was talking to you the whole time. I don’t think he said more than three words to me.”